New beginnings

Some time has passed since my last visit to this blog, and I won’t make excuses- although my explination of being in between jobs and feeling generally uninspired are the ones I would submit in this circumstance.

But that’s ok, because frankly- I don’t write these blog posts to please a reader. Do I hope that one person reads my post and feels a little better every now and then? Of course. And yet, writing seems to serve my needs equally.

Here is all the history you need to know about me to appreciate where I am going with this one.

1.) I went to K-12 at the same school. 2.) I’m about 1.5 months into a new job.

I remember feeling lucky and prideful as a kid, when I could share I’ve always attended the same school. You know everyone in class, even with new year adjustments to work in the “newbies”. You have an inside scoop on the next grade and what the teacher selecction is like. You know where to sit at lunch. You know all of the cliques, the groups, the classmates.

And they know you.

Which is sort of the point where I now find regret.

From an early point, my self defined reputation in K-12 would be this: always singing, not cool but not NOT cool, talkative, wacky, loud, boy crazy.

But more than anything- any part of my personality that had granted me an adjective on that list, was set in stone. That is the identity I had. No room for recreation, no room to expose yourself to new people who really see your traits in a new way.

(Oh the frustration of trying to express myself and be seen in a new way, only to have found myself pigeon holed in the same expected way!)

And then, I grew up a little.

Now to be honest, I know that obviously not much on that self defined reputation list has changed. After all, they say that our key personality traits are rooted by the time we are three.

The difference now- is that everyday can be a new beginning.

I’m 1.5 months into a new job. I work with really wonderful people in my department. It seems as though before I ask for help with something, I have friendly offers already extending a hand. Everyone is professional, talented, and trusting in each other. And with me in the mix, we are new to each other.

The parts of myself that I love most- I can really share. I can really introduce myself and create a new something or other that had no previous expectation attached. I mean for goodness sake- most of these people don’t even know yet, THAT I DON’T LIKE PEANUT BUTTER! I cannot explain how exciting that is to me! Almost everyone knows that!

… (calms down)…

Of course new beginnings happen every day. The are usually small starts, or little encounters.

But inside of that new opportunity to share myself for the first time- are those little pieces that I can’t help but love.

To those I have loved,

Although I stand a firm believer that sharing love should be a celebration 365 days of the year, February 14th has found me, yet again.

And even in my single state (though my heart has wishes of its own) I feel moved to write my own valentine poetry.

To those I have loved,

Hello. (That’s how I begin the letter to persons whom I’m not quite sure will ever read my rambling romances right?) Anyway, here I am on the 14th of February, using this silly day as a simple excuse to sincerely tell you, thank you.

I mean “thank you” in a broad sense as of course the heartbreak, the grey areas of distrust, or the sad conclusions to what we had remain less shining moments we shared. Yet, all the same, thank you.

Because of you, (and yes, ALL of you) I have unveiled small pieces of my soul that leave me in constant discovery of who I am.

Because of you I write music. Because of you I have become patient. Because of you I see love in different people, in places I had not before known to look. Because of you I recognize the importance of my health and caring for my body. Because of you I dream.

Because of you I am cautious to open myself. Because of you, I remain naive enough to continue opening myself.

I can see my capability to love- intently, deeply, truly – but I must continue to remain OPEN to doing so.

And see, you have given me the gift of better learning to be a lover.

“Any feeling fully felt, leads to love.” - Hendricks & Henricks, ‘Conscious Loving’

So thank you for every feeling you’ve given me. The joy in my stomach, the racing of my heart, the blurred vision through my tears, the angry desperation in my shouting, the soft kisses, the rush of each text message, the deep loneliness in your absence,

it all leads to love.

And so today, and every day, I promise to continue being open and readily available to fully feel.

We may not be together today, but in this way you are still with me and will remain. Whatever it was we had, however long or short we were together, however “official” or casual we were, however painful in the end, that is always a part of who we each are today.

Thank you for the time we shared in these short lives that we live.

Thank you for the feelings.

Thank you for the lessons.

Thank you for the love.

Your ex/current/ forever love,

Maggie

Leaving something that matters

When people die, you always see the obituaries. There are personal accounts and testimonies of the great things they did.

And being alive has made me that much more aware, that I have to keep working towards earning my personal list of “great things”.

From the things I do, to the way I act, each and every day- I must live to my potential.

Am I feeling over emotional? Ok, well how lovely! I am full of emotion.

Am I sore and tired from a silly Jillian Michaels workout? Awesome! I’m taking care of my body.

Am I broke and cannot afford to go do anything? Sweet! My student loans are being paid back.

I want to live up to my own expectations, and I have set them for myself everyday.

I don’t know the answers to things, but I don’t want to know. I want to discover my way through this crazy and confusing time in my life, and I want to leave something behind me that matters.

I want to leave this life, whenever that may be, knowing that I shared as much love as I can, and I was true to myself.

Don’t you?

Because at the end of our last day, does it matter what kind of job we had? Does it matter what kind of purse you owned? Does any of the random day to day crap we complain about matter?

NO!

But love does. Love always matters. Every. Single. Day. It. Matters.

So I’m going to love to the fullest of my ability.

That’s what I want to leave behind.

[Note: If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, someone better read this at the funeral.]

Days of doodle

So, who doesn’t love to doodle?

Seriously.

I created this doodle today and realized how refreshing it was to let myself just take a blank piece of paper and doodle whatever came to my pen.

I felt a little guilty for “wasting time” doing this. I internally told myself that if I claimed it as a piece of art, that I would not shun the idea that I was doodling.

But really, why does it matter?

It was nice and it allowed me to find a bit of freedom and peacein my day while drawing it.

Even better, my friend Meghan shot me a link to this video- further verifying that doodles are healthy.

Sunni Brown: Doodlers Unite!

http://www.ted.com/talks/sunni_brown.html

And sometimes, we all need those days of doodle to process this silly life.

Just a little thing I love.

I started jumping

Bills. Finding my high heels for an interview. Filling up my tank with gas. Job security… or insecurity. Health care. Salary. Payroll. Change order. Politics.

Adult stuff keeps getting in the way of my life.

I had a hard day today. There wasn’t one specific trigger, but there were many moments where I just felt defeated. Maybe I felt that the world was getting to me.

I was playing that game. Paying those bills. Counting down that deposit. Walking through the world with those click clicking heels.

And I felt unhappy with who I was to the world today.

My long day ended around eleven tonight. Tired, defeated, and discouraged to know that tomorrow could be a repeat day, I thought it best to take a hot shower.

I lit some candles, found a soothing music channel to turn on, and I took a hot shower in the dark.

My mind wandered, and I felt a bit more at peace.

Making my bed and preparing to snuggle in however, I still felt this nagging. This child somewhere deep down was tugging at my spirit to come out and play.

And I couldn’t deny that to her.

So I stood on my bed and I

started jumping.

THAT was what my day needed.

THAT permission I granted to myself to jump on my bed was the most freeing moment of my day.

Dare I let myself forget how alive I am.

One way to “light” up my day

There is something about that rare trip to the hardware store, that I just relish. The moment I inhale that first whiff of chemical/paint/wood scented loveliness, I get excited in the same way I feel when walking into a new shoe store, or getting into a new car.

And this random trip to the hardware store was meant for a $4 closet hanging accessory, and yet I found myself in that aisle.

Lights.

The light aisle. The sparkling, bright, diverse, wonderful, mesmerizing aisle of magic.

At least to me.

See, I have a special attachment to lights.  After all, “light” was my first word, and could you blame me? They are fascinating.

Something about being in that light aisle at the hardware store brings my childhood joy up front and lets me feel fascinated. It was the sole aisle of wonder on the dreaded Sunday after church errand run with dad and the sisters. That simple notion that every lamp shade, bulb, ceiling fan, and outdoor lantern was lit up, just waiting to be explored or imagined in a dream.

And that’s really it.

The light aisle at the hardware store just about lit up my day.

Giving thanks.

A collective THANKS to everything around us…

Things to be thankful for are everywhere.

The smell of fresh baked gingerbread. The greeting I get from my dog everytime I come home.  Unconditional love. My two beautiful daughters. Having a home to return to, with people who know and love me, no explinations necessary.  My family. Twitter… and cigarettes. The smell of Macintosh Yankee Candle Company because it was my mom’s favorite scent and it reminds me of her. A job that provides for my family so my baby can stay home with her daddy. The opportunity to choose and go to school to make sure my future is provided for. The fact that Lakin’s family is so accepting of our love for one another.  My husband, Devin- he forgives me and loves me when I am so unlovable. That Helmut and I had 47 years, 7 months, and 24 days together. Being involved with HOBY and having an OUTSTANDING experience. The passion I have for teaching elementary, and knowing I am going to make a huge difference. People with positive attitudes, though I may find the positivity too intense (not in tents) for me at any given moment, it helps me keep things in perspective. For squirrels -they’re small and some people think they are pests, but they never fail to put a smile on my face just doing what they do.

THANKS to everyone who shared their gratitude.

Enjoy this day. Enjoy your family. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy life.

And be grateful.